To be perfectly frank, at the beginning of a recent marriage class lesson, I was dreading reading a Supreme Court case we were asked to read.  I thought it would be boring and full of language that I wouldn’t understand and about a topic I thought wouldn’t really pertain to me, as I am a happily married heterosexual.  I soon learned, as I kept turning the pages, that I was more than a little wrong in my thoughts.  The issue decided that day (finding a right in all 50 states to same-sex marriage) had not only to do with me, but to every citizen in the United States.

The Obergefell et al. v. Hodges, Director, Ohio Department of Health, el al., here in after “Obergefell”, case affects me, my children, my grandchildren and those yet unborn to me, as well as to YOU.  Personally, I didn’t find the same sex issue to be the biggest or the most impactful issue that was discussed in this decision.  It will cause many changes and there will be angst on both sides who consider what the definition of marriage is or should be, I’m sure.  But, the bigger and more fundamental and grave issue came as such a surprise to me!  By reading this case, I now realize that I have been going along ignorant of this decision’s gargantuan impact on our society and country and its individual citizens.  This is what I get for sticking my head in the sand!

I actually feel violated.  I say this because you and I (no matter our proclivities) have been stripped of our democratic right to make an informed decision through the due process of law within our own state.  How amazing it is with the stroke of the pen by five Supreme Court Justices, the decision to consider marriage in its historic context, that being between a man and a woman; an issue that had been chosen in 41 states – could be in an instant yanked from these states citizens.  The rights of voting on an issue and believing that it stood for something was just flushed away.  My concern is that if this can be done once, what is to stop the court from doing this on any issue that they deem they know more about (or hold in more regard than either a minority or a majority of people)?

The dissent by Justice Antonin Scalia made this consideration very clear, no one in any state is safe or can be secure that any law may not arbitrarily change at the whim of those in the majority in the Supreme Court now that this precedent has been set.  By the Supreme Court’s majority following their own ideals rather than sticking to the confines of the Constitutional Law by which this land was formed and was fought for to be governed, we are in jeopardy of a faltering democracy.  And I quote, “With each decision of ours (meaning the Supreme Court’s) that takes from the People a question properly left to them – with each decision that is unabashedly based not on law but on the “reasoned judgment” of a bare majority of this Court – we move one step closer to being reminded of our impotence.”  (Page 9 of Justice Scalia’s dissent in “Obergefell”.)

From the opportunity of reading this case, I have learned that I need to be more conscientious of what goes on around me.  I suppose though, one could say that I am in part “aware” because I live daily in my working world with a number of people who have same-sex marriages and families.  I have family who have chosen this lifestyle.  I co-exist with everyone with no problem.  But, I am now prone to think deeper about what has been caused in my life because of this legal decision.  It has personally cost me a deficit in my rights.  I still hold no malice toward any individual.  I am only voicing that it is important to analyze and realize the consequence of every given choice, both mine and that of others.  I now understand that as of June 26, 2015, my ability/right to make choices (hence, part of my freedoms) has been diminished.

If you have read this case, I ask you:  Was the cost of your own rights to choose on a state level worth the price paid on a national one, disregarding the subject matter?

Marriage…

Don’t marry with your eyes closed to the reality that there are hills and valleys, curves and bumps, road-blocks, races, and sometimes feeling like your out of gas.  There are times when you’ll feel like a sports-car and sometimes when you’ll feel like a clunker.  But through it all, consider each other as being able to win the race.  Treat each other like Ferrari’s rather than Edsel’s.  Be each other’s champion!  And, always thinking the best of each other.

I think that many people go into marriage thinking that they won’t have the problems that others do because they are ‘SO’ in love. But, the reality of what marriage is or can be with all its twists and turns will soon enough be understood.   I was once there; thinking that I had the world by the tail, and that I was the happiest that anyone could ever be in a marriage; because I was!  But all too soon, the years passed, children came, my husband traveled a lot for work, we each had long hours with work and home responsibilities. The way many marriages are.  Then, without realizing it and because we weren’t paying specific attention to our relationship, my husband and I got out of touch.  A grumble here or there of not being happy, seem like small words and conversation just in the moment.  Then, without warning, the words seemed to me to come from nowhere… “I want a divorce!”  Devastation is the tamer of all words I can think of for the feelings that shot through my heart from hearing it; and there was no changing his mind.

There we were – our innocent little babes in the throes of this racing car named ‘divorce’.  It was coming toward them with no means to brake (or break) the coming collision that these four words could mean for them.

How were they to know that living in a single-parent home could mean that they wouldn’t have the same benefit of security as those whose parents remained in a committed marriage.  Oh, the heartache, sorrow, and betrayal that their little hearts could feel.  And worst, that they might (and which sadly many children often do feel), that they were the cause of the break-up, when that that just isn’t true.

I remember to this day the ache I felt when we told our children that we were divorcing.  One of the few things I had heard about divorces was this strong possibility of how children might take the news and internalize it.  I wanted to do everything in my power to remove this burden from them and specifically tell them that it was not because of them or anything they had done.  The pain I feel as I remember this day in my life, brings tears to my eyes, it was so heart-wrenching.

I urge you – as does Dallin H. Oaks, a clergy member from my faith “that if you are considering divorce” to please reconsider and “to face the reality that, for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce, but repentance.”  “Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache”.  This is undeniably true.  If you find your self in this situation; look within yourself to see where YOU can change and work to save your marriage…and your family.  You won’t regret the time and effort you put in.

Considering other effects divorce can cause:  are the lack of time that a Mommy (or Daddy) has to spend with their children; their wondering why Mommy is cross with them more easily or doesn’t discipline them in the most correct way.  Money may be tighter now that Daddy is gone, too.

And, what if Mommy meets someone new?  It’s important for her to know that a non-marital cohabitating relationship is more dangerous for her children and for her; to say nothing of its moral implications.

What if your son starts to slip in his classes and acts out or your daughter turns more to her friends than to you or their father concerning relationship issues?  Statistics show that there is more likelihood of this happening when parents’ divorce.  And, there is also a higher chance that girls of divorced parents will get pregnant out of wedlock.

Of course, there are many other things to be considered in how divorce will affect each member of the family, but I’d rather not dwell on them.  Let me leave you instead with how we can work to make the best marriage choices…

When considering marriage, some of the best things we can do for ourselves and our posterity is to truly take the opportunity before marrying to get to know one another by experiencing various situations together.  Again, let me quote Dallin H. Oaks, in his article titled “Divorce”.  He puts it this way, “There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”

From my own experience, I know that couples who work their troubles through and stay the course will be richly rewarded in blessings for themselves and for their families.  I urge you to consider your choices and decisions in thoughtfulness should divorce be on your mind.   I wish you the peace and joy that can be yours, if you work with love and patience to retain and strengthen your marriage.

Yours,

The Merry Ponderer

References:

“Divorce” by Dallin H. Oaks

“The State of Our Unions” a joint publication of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values

 

 

 

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton