Some of the most valuable considerations from Dr. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, for me have been the affirmations that:
- EVERY marriage will have some irreconcilable differences
- We will not ‘like’ our spouses sometimes
- There will be things that we want our spouses to change; and there will be things they want us to change – this is just natural.
- We won’t always get our way!
- Sometimes we will miss our own involvement in the issues we have in our marriage difficulties.
- Marriage is not for the faint of heart – IT TAKES WORK…
- Love
- Charity
- Humility
- Concern
- Caring
- Thoughtfulness
- Discernment
- Appreciation
- Compassion
- Empathy
- Willingness to see the other person’s view of matters
- An ability to be honest about who we are, what we need, and what our dreams and hopes are.
In the earlier days of my marriage, I sometimes thought I was in hell and wondered how I got there and how was I going to get out of THERE … and MY MARRIAGE! I had obviously married the wrong person, and I wondered how I did that when I had prayed for confirmation of marrying him before doing so! I felt more than a little betrayed.
My husband and I had many hours of intense, tear-filled, high volume conversations. My heart ached so much that I thought it would be easier to have it ripped out than to have it feel the hurt and anger that it did. As I read Gottman’s pattern for successful grid-lock conversations, how I would have WELCOMED knowing that information when we were going through our tough times.
Please permit me to share Dr. John M. Gottman’s unlocking the gridlock conversation pattern from his and Nan Silver’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work so if you find yourself needing it, you can use it, rather than wallow through unproductive arguments. (I paraphrase and quote from pages 250-259)
Isolate one of your grid-locked issues:
- Focus on what each partner needs, wants, and is feeling about the situation.
- Write it down – explain why (what hidden dreams underlie your position).
- Give each other time to talk about it (without judgement) – just listen to one another.
“The GOAL is simply to UNDERSTAND WHY each of you FEELS so STRONGLY about this ISSUE.” (emphasis added)
THE PROCESS
- Ask direct, meaningful, heartfelt questions of one another – with the main outcome to find out “What do you want? What do you need? If I could wave a magic wand and you’d have exactly what you needed, what would that look like?” Don’t be snide or condescending. Be sincere, concerned and non-judgmental.
In order to soften the grid-lock, one must support their partner’s dream. “That doesn’t necessarily mean that you believe the dream can or should be realized.” But you must HONOR it in one of three ways:
a) Support it by listening with enthusiasm.
b) Actively enable the dream.
c) Become a part of the reality of the dream.
“The bottom line in getting past gridlock is not necessarily to become a part of each other’s dreams (although your marriage will be more enriched to the extent that you can) but to honor these dreams. After all, you don’t want the kind of marriage in which you triumph at the expense of crushing your partner.” (I hope!)
- Soothe one another – Pay attention to how each of you is reacting (physically and emotionally). If things are becoming overwhelming – stop for at least 20 minutes and do something that relaxes each of you.
Photo by picjumbo.com on Pexels.com - Reach a Temporary Compromise (The Two-Circle Method) (Gottman, Pg 185). – You will use two circles; one inside another. Use the inside circle to note “aspects of the problem you CAN’T give in on.” And the the outside circle to note “aspects of the problem you CAN compromise over.”
Photo by Fuadi Afif on Pexels.com
Share your two lists with each other, and then, “try it out for about two months, then review where your stand. Don’t expect this to solve the problem, only to help you both live with it more peacefully.”
- Lastly – say ‘Thank-You’
Photo by Carl Attard on Pexels.com Offer your partner 3 specific thank-you’s. Gottman provides a number of suggestions on pages 75 and 76 of his book, here are but a few…
- “Thank you for listening to me.”
- “Thank you for being gentle with me.”
- “You look great tonight.”
- “Thank you for loving me.”
- “I appreciate what a loyal partner you are.”
Photo by Carl Attard on Pexels.com
I hope that when you come to one of those unrelenting issues, you will try this method of working through it. I think you’ll find that you’ll feel appreciative of each other’s points of view and that you will feel in better control of the issue and more peaceful in your marriage because of it.
I can attest from personal experience that the effort one puts into having a successful marriage is worth every ounce of angst, heartache, and tears; and that there can be devotion, affection, and love beyond measure.
REFERENCES:
Gottman J.M., Silver N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books
Marriage Ponderments 