Here a couple goes down the aisle, blissful and serene. They don’t see the negative sides of each other because, well, they are different than all other couples. They just won’t have any difficulties. After all, they are ‘in love’, and if a couple is ‘in love’, they just won’t have problems. Or, will they?
Dr. John Gottman states that ‘yes’, they will have problems; both solvable and perpetual ones. And, it won’t matter how ‘head-over heels’ they are for each other! Problems in marriage are just a natural part of being married, and part of Heavenly Father’s plan to help us have experiences in order to work through them so we can become more like Him as we exercise patience and understanding of our spouse.
I think that this gross misconception of, if one is ‘in love’, one will have no problems, is something that more attention ought to be given to. It seems that couples thinking this way are setting themselves up for huge disappointment. One that if understood from the beginning would help strengthen their resolve to staying married when the really tough times do come.
Having problems is not enjoyable says Gottman, “but we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them, and by developing strategies and routines that help ease them.” (Pg 139) One very important strategy to work through a solvable problem that Gottman promotes is that of starting the conversation by using a ‘soft start-up’. Basically, remember when working through a problem…don’t start off by blasting your spouse. It will get you nowhere! (Pg 164)
A soft start-up consists of these four elements:
- Share some responsibility for the problem – this aspect is critical for effective problem resolution;
- Express how you feel about it (matter of factly, without blame or criticism);
- Be specific about the particular situation;
- Express what it is you need (making sure it’s stated as a positive need, not what you don’t need). (Pg 165)
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s puts it this way, “Marriage does impose grueling humbling, baffling, and frustrating responsibilities. Yet, marriage is not the enemy of moral development in adults. Quite the opposite. Being married and having children has impressed on my mind certain lessons, for whose learning I cannot help being grateful. My bonds to (my family) are, I know, my liberation. They force me to be a different sort of human being, in a way in which I want and need to be forced.” (Pg 110)
The sobering truth is that “only 40% of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end because to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.” (Pg 164) That is so unfortunate, but I’ve seen this to be true. I think it behooves couples to search out Dr. Gottman’s book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work because within its pages are resources that provide individuals exercises and words to use to productively discuss and work through their solvable and perpetual problems. Each person and couple can feel whole as they learn and utilize these effective tools. Through their use, married life can be nurtured and happier.
REFERENCES:
Gottman J.M., Silver N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books
Wallace Goddard. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Marriage Ponderments 