Do you or have you ever thought about whether you are turning toward or away from your spouse? We’ve all done that to one extent or another, but perhaps never put a label on it or taken the time to consider what those actions mean to our marriage and to our future married life.
I think that when I’ve turned away from someone, I’ve been more wrapped up in the actual act of doing the turning away, rather than in acknowledging that I was truly turning away from them. Certainly, clouding the issue was that I might actually be the cause of the situation making me turn away in the first place, too. Every been there? It isn’t a very Christlike place to be, is it? And, it isn’t a place to grow from, rather, just a place to be wallow in self-pity in and/or be sad, or mad in.
After reading this week about turning toward others, in my marriage class, I’ve found myself thinking of a relationship I was in many years ago where there was a lot of bickering, arguing, and frustration. A place where I didn’t feel understood and not feeling that I understood that person much either. I can tell you, it’s a lonesome place; cold and devastating. And one in which I wondered how it had gotten to such a state. I wanted to find the door and get OUT!
“Sometimes, and especially if a relationship is going through a rocky period, a spouse may not recognize when the partner is making a bid for connection because it comes out sounding negative.” (Pg 91) So often true in my case. There were probably bids for connection all over the place on both our sides, but they fell like rain with no bucket to catch them.
What terrific guidance this would have been had we known it and been willing to receive and apply it, and I quote …”So before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s hard words. Then, focus on the bid, NOT (emphasis added) the delivery. If you find it difficult not to react defensively, first take five really deep breathes, counting slowly from one to six as you inhale and then slowly from seven to fifteen as you exhale. Then say to your partner, ‘I want to respond to you positively, so can you please tell me what you need right now from me? I really want to know.” (Pg 92)
In this circumstance, I realized that things were so awful a decision had to be made. Was it going to be the end of the marriage or was it going to be a new beginning? And, if it were the later, how in the world were things going to change enough to make the marriage feel like a warm, kind, caring, and friendly relationship again?
I can only say that it was when (my husband) and I decided to turn toward the gospel, turn toward our Lord Jesus Christ, and turn toward honoring our temple covenants that there was this change in our hearts that we could not have accomplished on our own. We had to repent of our selfish ways and take time to consider each other before ourselves.
Again, I don’t know how my relationship had gotten so off track because all my growing up years, I saw my parents doing just that – bidding and accepting each other’s offerings to come together. And, I’ve seen their closeness built by the simple and small conversations and actions they’d have each day.
For example, my Dad would see that he could make something a little easier for my Mom (by building this or that) and he would do it. And, my Mom would notice that my Dad had fallen asleep in his chair, and she would gently place a blanket over him to keep him warm and let him rest. I’ve always admired this interaction of my parents. I remember fondly, my Dad, who turned 87 this week, coming home from work each night and sitting at the dinner table with my Mom and me, explaining in detail (using the forks, knives, and other dinnerware) how he’d worked to maneuver his backhoe on the construction project that day. To me this seemed as natural as buttering bread. This daily dialogue was a ritual that my parents shared together. And for me, it has always been comforting.
“…turning toward each other is …so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another.” says Dr. Gottman. (Pg 89) And, I find that as my marriage has gotten past a very trying time, that it truly is the small gestures and quick pleasant glances between us that help to keep us on a good path. We laugh and enjoy each other because we are thinking the best of each other. We work together instead of working against each other. Another simple thing like greeting each other with a kiss or leaving with a kiss is another very customary thing for us now too.
We’ve learned a lot over the years as we’ve stayed close to the gospel. And dear reader, know that prayer – truly heals hearts.
Working to bring laughter into your marriage is important too. One of our good friends gave us this counsel many years ago. We’ve used it many times, and it works! When either of us is taking ourselves too seriously, it breaks the negative direction and helps us become closer again.
The song, Lean on Me, by Bill Withers, came to mind as I thought about the need for us to turn toward one another and the wonderful benefit it has as we do. I hope that you will be mindful of the bids your spouse is sending you and that you will in kind be responded to lovingly by yours.
The lyrics are in part:
“Lean On Me”
Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But if we are wise,
We know that there’s always tomorrow.
Lean on me when you’re not strong
I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.
Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show.
You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand,
We all need somebody to lean on.
…
…
If there is a load
You have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me.
Call me if you need a friend
…
References:
Gottman J.M., Silver N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books
Marriage Ponderments 