Dear Reader,
Have you taken the time today to really appreciate your husband or wife?
NO, I mean it!
- Have you asked yourself why you fell in love with him or her?
- Are you looking for ways that keep your communications with them uplifting?
- How do you speak of them to others and to them when you are together?
- Have you asked them in all seriousness how they are doing today, and most importantly, have you truly listened to them?
- In the course of your day, have you thought to encourage, thank, enlighten or compliment them?
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Research shows that “fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” (Pg 69) and further, Dr. John M. Gottman and Nan Silver have found that “When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened.” (Pg 74) Now, who couldn’t benefit from that with the worldly forces constantly attacking marriage!
I continue to read Gottman and Silver’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and find that I can get happily lost in it. My husband and I had a terrific evening together doing a couple of the “Love Map” exercises recently. I was astonished to find that my husband was more ‘in-tune’ with me than I had realized. I have sometimes thought that he is not paying attention to our conversations, when I happily find that it is me who has misread him. He most certainly has been paying lots of attention! This has made me feel especially close to him.
The exercises we chose were the Love Maps Questionnaire (Pg 56) and the 20 Questions Game (Pg 58). We learned some new things about each other which is pretty neat since we’ve been married 25 years, and mostly we found that we know important points about each other and neither of us is too far from the other in our ‘map’ ratio. It felt good just to spend this time together relating to each other about ourselves and our marriage. Great idea for a date night activity!
Now you are probably asking, “What is this ‘love map’?” It is what Gottman describes as “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” You know…like, what size shoes she wears, what the name of his favorite player and sports team are, what you spent doing three anniversaries ago or what the name of your school play in 7th grade was…the fibers that make up your life. Although in an of themselves, these little things don’t sound like they could really important to a marriage, but the research proves otherwise. Knowing these little (and the big) things about our marriage partners keeps us connected. It’s crucial in a relationship for each partner to feel known and cared about. “The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.” (Pg 56)
I’m humbled to learn how naive I have been in thinking that I didn’t have much to learn about marriage relationships. I am finding that I am learning SO much from the class I’m in, and especially from this book! I keep thinking that I need to tell one or another of the children about ‘this or that’ from the readings. Perhaps I’ll send it for Christmas…it’s a small price for such a large return in love benefits.
Yours,
The Merry Ponderer
References:
Gottman J.M., Silver N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
Marriage Ponderments 