What interesting reading I have found in two books I’ve been reading this week in my marriage class! What are they you ask…The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver; and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D.
Having been married, divorced, and then married again, I wish I had been introduced to these materials ages ago. I have found myself in tears from a deeper understanding of how much my Heavenly Father loves me to embarrassment and guilt in realizing how my negative actions have caused hurt and pain in those I say I’ve loved. Have you gone through emotions like this this week? If not, I encourage you to purchase copies of these books. They will make you think about your marriage conversations.
As I read through these materials, I learned about and could relate to what are called the ‘four horsemen of the apocalypse’ by Dr. Gottman. What are the four horsemen you ask – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Personally, I have been both the recipient and the provider of them all as I would imagine we all are if we are honest with ourselves.
The most apparent horseman to me is stonewalling, and the experience of ‘flooding’ that goes along with it, which I can attest is draining and disheartening. The term Dr. Gottman used for it was ‘paralyzing’ and I don’t think it could be more accurately expressed. Have you ever been so overwhelmed by negativism and emotion that you just shut down without responding because of it? Flooding is the physical and psychological reaction to excessive stonewalling situations. This is better explained in The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. (Pages 38-42)
These books are both positive in nature. They are pro-marriage and they both express ways to help those who are interested in getting married, those married, and those who have a less than happy marriage be able to learn communication skills and understand why their relationships may be less than ideal. Reading them can help you think and act differently in and about your relationships.
For example, a concept expressed in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver’s book, by psychologist Robert Weiss from University of Oregon, speaks of ‘positive sentiment override (PSO)’ which is a key factor to having a healthy marriage. As is the case in many things in life…it’s about balance. . So, what is PSO? “It is a couple’s tendency to have “their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage be so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings” Therefore, “it takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to have positive expectations about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.” (Pg 22) This isn’t to say you will never have an argument again. But, by reading their book, you will have tools to help you more successfully express yourself without creating a negative environment where nothing is gained, and much can be lost.
One of the simplest things to keep in mind from Dr. Gottman’s research is this… it takes 5 positive interactions to 1 negative one to keep things in balance for a happy marriage. So, I would say that never don’t do the nice thing for your spouse! Have you hugged YOUR sweetheart today?
One of my favorite points made in Dr. Goddard’s book, so far, is this: ”When we insult the dignity of family members, we create a system of resentment and spite. We lose any influence we could have had. As Jesus ably demonstrated, a simple and gentle answer is best. Often less is more.” (Pg 20) This is yet another demonstration that we should be positive and kind in our interactions and if we do our relationships will be benefitted.
It is not always easy to think of others when we are in the heat of the moment, but it is a blessing to have the example of Jesus Christ to emulate. It seems that the more we do to follow Him, the stronger, more positive, and healthy our marriages will become. The scriptures, along with the books I mention above, will help us in our journey to find contentment and happiness in our marriage. Check’em out!
Marriage Ponderments 