My thoughts turn to those considering marriage; I think that one should go into it with their eyes wide open and realize that there will be tensions that come between them and that it would be a huge benefit to discuss before marriage,how they will work through those times.
Will it be a… nobody goes to bed on an argument? Will it be setting a timer and each listening to the other for a specific amount of time and then providing feedback after each has had their time to speak? Will it be having some alone time either by taking a walk for simpler matters or going to the temple when there are ‘weighter’ concerns that must to be pondered? In all marriages, no matter how rosy and splendid they are at the outset; will have times when their issues/differences will try the others’ patience. It’s then, that these tough times will need to be respectfully, kindly, and humbly worked through. Deciding some of these communication methods early, and to constantly remember that the issue causing the friction should not be viewed by each party as an, “It’s all about me!” scenario.
A covenant marriage seeks to air-out differences by working them through in a way that allows the marriage to be stronger. When we find understanding between each other and allow our spouse to feel whole throughout the process of speaking our differences, we find that we both “win”. Going through a difference of opinion as though we were going into battle, will not be of benefit to the marriage or to other family members.
I have lived through both approaches to differences of opinion, and I can attest that when the Lord is allowed to feel comfortable in our presence throughout our discussion; we too will feel “whole” from the experience and will feel more enlightened because of it. We can also feel closer to our spouse by having truly listened to them rather than desiring only to have our point of view heard.
I value Elder Bruce Hafen’s talk, Covenant Marriage where he makes the points about a covenant marriage versus a contract marriage and describes the covenant marriage as one in which each spouse gives 100% to the relationship. Also, that they are willing to work through the tough times. This means really giving and taking for the long haul. The covenant marriage is a place where each husband and wife give and grow with and from each other. When we stop to really consider this point, there are so many ways that we can do that. Just as a very simple example, my husband understands more about how to fix and repair things around our house, and I know more how to feed us.
We know from The Family: A Proclamation to the World that each male and female is given divine characteristics – a woman to nurture and a man to protect being only two. There are many talents, abilities, and characteristics that each spouse has and when they are looked at as valuable gifts, rather than insurmountable differences, we can draw closer to one another and become better ourselves through our learning from and appreciation of them and each other.
Elder Hafen makes another point too, one that I hadn’t given much thought to before reading his talk, and that is, that when we marry / are sealed, we are also making a promise to our community (those in our family and friends who share our joy.) As I ponder this point, I realize its validity because I know how devastating it is when a marriage breaks up and how it affects the family and friends of the couple. It is crushing to the couple, but also for those associated with them. I know it was true when my first marriage came apart. Oh, how important it is to follow the doctrine given in the Doctrine and Covenants to cleave unto one another. (D&C 42:22)
It is through the kept promises that are made to each other, to God, and to the community, Elder Hafen says, that we are bound. And, isn’t being bound in this way such a safe, loving, and honorable “place”?
When the challenges come, and again I say, they will, and you wonder if going through them is worth it; I provide my witness that, YES, it is worth all you can do! My second marriage was once on the very brink of being only a contract marriage. It came down to, am I going to live up to the promises I made in the temple or am I not? Our adherence to our covenants are strengthening, empowering, and worth our defending. The Lord blesses those who stay true to their promises.
References:
Hafen, B.C. (1996). Covenant Marriage. Ensign. (November), retrieved from url (https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng&_r=1)
Doctrine & Covenants
Marriage Ponderments 