Marriage…
Don’t marry with your eyes closed to the reality that there are hills and valleys, curves and bumps, road-blocks, races, and sometimes feeling like your out of gas. There are times when you’ll feel like a sports-car and sometimes when you’ll feel like a clunker. But through it all, consider each other as being able to win the race. Treat each other like Ferrari’s rather than Edsel’s. Be each other’s champion! And, always thinking the best of each other.
I think that many people go into marriage thinking that they won’t have the problems that others do because they are ‘SO’ in love. But, the reality of what marriage is or can be with all its twists and turns will soon enough be understood. I was once there; thinking that I had the world by the tail, and that I was the happiest that anyone could ever be in a marriage; because I was! But all too soon, the years passed, children came, my husband traveled a lot for work, we each had long hours with work and home responsibilities. The way many marriages are. Then, without realizing it and because we weren’t paying specific attention to our relationship, my husband and I got out of touch. A grumble here or there of not being happy, seem like small words and conversation just in the moment. Then, without warning, the words seemed to me to come from nowhere… “I want a divorce!” Devastation is the tamer of all words I can think of for the feelings that shot through my heart from hearing it; and there was no changing his mind.
There we were – our innocent little babes in the throes of this racing car named ‘divorce’. It was coming toward them with no means to brake (or break) the coming collision that these four words could mean for them.
How were they to know that living in a single-parent home could mean that they wouldn’t have the same benefit of security as those whose parents remained in a committed marriage. Oh, the heartache, sorrow, and betrayal that their little hearts could feel. And worst, that they might (and which sadly many children often do feel), that they were the cause of the break-up, when that that just isn’t true.
I remember to this day the ache I felt when we told our children that we were divorcing. One of the few things I had heard about divorces was this strong possibility of how children might take the news and internalize it. I wanted to do everything in my power to remove this burden from them and specifically tell them that it was not because of them or anything they had done. The pain I feel as I remember this day in my life, brings tears to my eyes, it was so heart-wrenching.
I urge you – as does Dallin H. Oaks, a clergy member from my faith “that if you are considering divorce” to please reconsider and “to face the reality that, for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce, but repentance.” “Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache”. This is undeniably true. If you find your self in this situation; look within yourself to see where YOU can change and work to save your marriage…and your family. You won’t regret the time and effort you put in.
Considering other effects divorce can cause: are the lack of time that a Mommy (or Daddy) has to spend with their children; their wondering why Mommy is cross with them more easily or doesn’t discipline them in the most correct way. Money may be tighter now that Daddy is gone, too.
And, what if Mommy meets someone new? It’s important for her to know that a non-marital cohabitating relationship is more dangerous for her children and for her; to say nothing of its moral implications.
What if your son starts to slip in his classes and acts out or your daughter turns more to her friends than to you or their father concerning relationship issues? Statistics show that there is more likelihood of this happening when parents’ divorce. And, there is also a higher chance that girls of divorced parents will get pregnant out of wedlock.
Of course, there are many other things to be considered in how divorce will affect each member of the family, but I’d rather not dwell on them. Let me leave you instead with how we can work to make the best marriage choices…
When considering marriage, some of the best things we can do for ourselves and our posterity is to truly take the opportunity before marrying to get to know one another by experiencing various situations together. Again, let me quote Dallin H. Oaks, in his article titled “Divorce”. He puts it this way, “There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”
From my own experience, I know that couples who work their troubles through and stay the course will be richly rewarded in blessings for themselves and for their families. I urge you to consider your choices and decisions in thoughtfulness should divorce be on your mind. I wish you the peace and joy that can be yours, if you work with love and patience to retain and strengthen your marriage.
Yours,
The Merry Ponderer
References:
“Divorce” by Dallin H. Oaks
“The State of Our Unions” a joint publication of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values
Marriage Ponderments 